Last updated 12:08 AM +0800 GMT 28th February 2005, imported from a static page to a WordPress blog entry. I can’t seem to hack the date correctly though so this is on top.

Divine Revelations:
“Shame on you making noise in church! Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?”
“God is not on my side because I am not on his side.”

Self-Defense:
“I will not tolerate such baseless accusations… even if they are true.”
“Either I’m completely honest or I lie too well to tell.”

Narcissistic Vanity:
“Geeks are good-looking; it’s just that their intelligence overshadows their attractiveness.”
“If you didn’t beat around the bush, I wouldn’t have wanted to know what lies behind it.”
“I don’t mix business with pleasure, but it was pleasure doing business with you.”
“I’m taking advantage of a system that hasn’t taken advantage of me.”
“I’d rather remove their innocence than spare their innocence.”
“The darker it is, the more powerful the effect of the flash.”
“I’m not good-looking; I just need less makeup to look good.”
“I’m embarrassed of my past because I feel I’ve improved.”
“I’m not into nature, but I like the birds and the bees.”
“Money can’t buy happiness but it sure can buy pleasure.”
“If I wasn’t full of myself, I’d be hollow inside.”
“You can be up when I get down on you.”
“I don’t need charm. I mean no harm.”
“I don’t care that I’m lackadaisal.”
“Just did it. It was disappointing.”
“Sarcasm turns me off. Yeah right.”
“I suck when looking for cracks.”
“A screw is tighter at first.”
“Free rides on me!”
“I’m 50% bisexual.”

Unbrushable Prudish Ego:
“I may not have the best sense of direction, but you shouldn’t mess with a guy who can solve a Rubik’s cube in 2 minutes.”
“I don’t have a short attention span; my attention just gets diverted… a lot.”
“All of us, like sheep, have gone astray, and I’m just following the trend.”
“All compliments paid go to my head so you might regret what you said.”
“Tomorrow is another day, and that’s the best day to do it.”
“Is it a small world, or are we getting too popular?”
“When the going gets tough, the bluff gets going.”
“I’m not cheeky; I just have a lot of cheek.”
“Like a funnel, I am open and yet narrow.”

Too Smart An Insult:
“If you’ve got nothing to do, don’t do it here.” – in memory of school’s belated disciplinary teacher, Mr. Lee
“Employees have one S, a boss has two S’s and a business has three S’s.”
“Work is where rebellion is broken. Work is where nobody is outspoken.”
“I don’t withdraw money with an ATM card. I withdraw it with a knife.”
“If nobody was a hypocrite, all of us would have nothing to say.”
“It’s hard to define maturity when there are so few examples.”
“Mess with me and I’ll rip your balls out of their sockets!”
“If you gave me a dime for my worries, would I give change?”
“I’m a pharmacist, prescribing drugs that I’ll never use.”
“I may be a free agent but I don’t do anything for free.”
“Am I stating the obvious, or is it reverse psychology?”
“I have a long fuse, but it’s stretched very thinly.”
“Chill because antifreeze is poisonous and can kill.”
“I’m not perfect; my faults are just harder to find.”
“If you’re the only one left, you’re always right!”
“Why pay attention when you don’t pay anything?”
“A robot is more advanced than a broken record.”
“I will draw the line here. I just need a pen.”
“Predictive text input does not help grammar.”
“Reverse psychology may backfire.”
“Everybody’s snake makes oil.”
“The key is to look sincere.”
“Space should be respected.”
“Make like my nose and run.”
“Make like a duck and sit.”
“What can go wrong won’t.”

Humbly Self-Depreciatory:
“What me bitter? Why, I’m so sweet, that just by looking at me you could drop dead from diabetes the very next day!”
“What’s the point of saying there are many more fish in the sea if you live in a desert?”
“It’s not that I don’t have a life; I just don’t know what to do with it.”
“If I’m God’s gift to women, I’m sure they’d be looking for my receipt.”
“Puberty didn’t hit me in the face; it kneed me in the groin.”
“Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and I’m from Earth.”
“If you think I have a big head, wait till you see my mouth.”
“Fornication is a sin only because I haven’t done it.”
“I guess I’m an egghead to scrambled egg lovers.”
“The truth is out there. So are bigger fishes.”
“Circle my forehead to show 3 O’ clock.”
“I see imperfection in my reflection.”
“Am I thinking what you’re thinking?”
“Impotence is not hereditary.”
“My greatest debtor is time.”
“I’m a kid at height.”

Patheticness Measured:
“If my life was a sitcom, the only way you could tell if I was making a joke was if you heard canned laughter in the background.”
“I have such a running nose, I’d shove a tampon up it if it didn’t look weird.”
“I wanted to be a dark poet but all my attempts at poems rhymed.”
“I don’t plead temporary insanity. I plead permanent insanity.”
“I can be considered a homie only because I stay at home.”
“I’m a phone directory – I help short people look taller.”
“Sometimes my brain can predict what I am going to say.”
“My mind’s in the drain because I don’t have a gutter.”
“I feel so good, you’d swear I’m on anti-depressant!”
“I’m intolerable to those who seem to tolerate me.”
“Don’t ask me how my day was just to feel good!”
“I hardly show my easily impressedness.”
“My chickens hatch before I count them.”
“The saddest day of my life is my last.”
“I make perfect sense… to myself.”
“The weather is always above me.”
“People benefit from my doubt.”
“To make a short story long…”
“The doormat keeps the keys.”

Electronical Etiquette:
“Reading this email means that you agree to the terms and conditions hereby stated.”
“When I figure out how to randomize signatures, you won’t be reading this crap.”
“ON THE INTERNET NOBODY CAN TELL YOU’RE SCREAMING!”
“Abbreviations on ICQ: They go ASL? I go WTF?”
“I never go offline. I just get disconnected.”

Gamer Ideology:
“Celebrate, habitate, anticipate, approximate, estimate – ashpyiate or jugulate? Dynamite to immolate and decimate!”
“Computers have limits. Limits don’t sell computers. Limit-pushing games do.”
“I don’t pay to learn; I play to earn.”

Just Plain Wise Multi-sided Philosophy:
“It’s not what’s outside that matters; it’s what’s inside that counts. So what if my wallet’s leather?”
“Rules weren’t meant to be broken. Rules were meant to be broken when nobody enforces them.”
“Maturity is not about having the perfect perspective; it’s about having all perspectives.”
“There is only so much one can wring out of a cloth before it has to be laid to dry slowly.”
“Dark figures are not suspicious, they are just more likely to become roadkill at night.”
“What you don’t know can’t hurt you so if you don’t know anything nothing can hurt you.”
“The pen is mightier than the sword, but they didn’t have guns and nukes then.”
“The glass is not half empty or half full; the ratio of air to water is 1:1.”
“A gift’s value multiplies with the number of people you can give it to.”
“The problem with sarcasm is that you’re supposed to take it literally.”
“If the eyes are the window to the soul, then the mouth is the door.”
“The secret to successful lying is knowing how to gain their trust.”
“Don’t add fuel to the fire because you’ll have to eat the burns.”
“It’s easier to trust people with your wallet than your secrets.”
“Gambling isn’t against my beliefs; it’s just against my odds.”
“I’m not becoming psychic; the world’s becoming predictable.”
“The nearer the oasis, the more likely it is to be a mirage.”
“Humans were given two ears to hear both sides of the story.”
“Before filling the buffer, you must first clear the buffer.”
“Everyone’s happier than they say and sadder than they look.”
“Whatever’s written in stone can be cut away with diamonds.”
“If you’re up in the sky, a meteor will hit you eventually.”
“If customers were always right, only shops would be left.”
“There is only one thing you cannot live to regret doing.”
“If knowledge is power, I’ll give you a nuclear warhead.”
“Money can’t buy happiness but it sure can buy pleasure.”
“Being liked by people is just as hard as liking people.”
“A winner knows how to make a loss seem like a victory.”
“Being yourself is an excuse for people not to change.”
“5 minutes is not a measure of time but an expression.”
“Being tough makes one a target in a different way.”
“I eventually fall from the wall which I stand on.”
“Not wanting to follow does not make one a leader.”
“The file is either write-protected or read-only.”
“You’re rich by what you save, not what you earn.”
“It’s easier to make a hit when you have a bomb.”
“Tolerance is the art of not getting worked up.”
“It’s a longer way down when you’re at the top.”
“Positive thinking attracts negative attention.”
“Love is blind, but you need your eyes to see.”
“News, like peanut butter, should be spread.”
“The copy may look better than the original.”
“Entertain the thought that entertains you.”
“Heavy metal is not as noisy as repetition.”
“Programmers work with logic, not fantasy.”
“Time makes avoidable things unavoidable.”
“Don’t cross the sea until it has parted.”
“It would be fairer weighted than median.”
“Fantasy is often confused with ambition.”
“I’ll climb down when the wall crumbles.”
“Truth is like the corners of a circle.”
“Meditation is just placebo medication.”
“Perfection in perception is deception.”
“There is no spoon, we’re eating steak.”
“Heat me up so I can fit another mould.”
“There are unisex toilets in every home.”
“The truth is sealed behind many lips.”
“A tree can’t grow without its roots.”
“Honesty is the best copy-protection.”
“A shadow is never left in the dark.”
“I’m not humble, just pessimistic.”
“Talk is cheap, but so is booze.”
“Balloons cannot fly to the sun.”
“Hate is too easy to propagate.”
“Rainbows never hurt anybody.”
“Love is not as blind as hate.”
“Not free if it’s not free.”