I used to save Friendster testimonials I wrote into a text file I’d save on my computer. I don’t think I started this very early, though, so there might be some testimonials that are missing. All testimonials are single paragraphs. See if you can spot a testimonial I wrote for you!

She is demented beyond her picture with short hair. The picture is a lie because her mouth is never shut! I can be stoning in her car in the sun, listening to her brag about her new audio system, and I’d be expected to say “uh-huh”. She insists on shaking the life into co-workers by rattling their chairs. She may be all grown up and quite a skinny looker (from afar) but deep down we all know she’s a Steve Urkel meets Johnny Number 5. You still see it when she tries to be Beyonce, or when she shows her identity card.

She’s cuter than she’s hot, she’s sweeter than she looks… not! Everytime I stare into her eyes she finds somebody to distract me, and I lose. She keeps count! Last I remember it was like 8 to 6, cock-staring, in MY favor. Yes, she’s a tennis freak, and her arms are freakishly long and unporportionate. Not like anybody notices, her voluminous cheeks are too distracting! You just wanna poke them again and again. Poking her stomach is fun too. You just wanna be mean to her. She’ll make that manja face, which doesn’t work, because it brings out the inner demons of gerbil-microwavers. Oh yeah, she has a very unladylike, wholehearted laugh, bursting out her cheeks and perfect teeth.

She looks like a giant hamster. You just wanna do sadistic things to it. Once you’ve seen her Cerekarama sad face, you’ll wanna bully her. She has crushes on forbidden authority figures! She is quite pious, but I’ve never seen her in headscarf. She is always sickly and suffers from long term memory displacement. She got my birthday wrong in my testimonial! She can deal a mean blow, but I’m not scared of her… I know where she lives!

Millions have lost weight through the wonderful exercise of laughing with him! Why wait? Call him now, if you can afford it! He’s either making somebody laugh, or diagnosing their computer problems, or both. An Inspector Gadget indeed. He’s also so well-versed with KL, that he puts people born in KL to shame!

She is ultimately cool. Not like in-your-face-cool but laidback cool. Calm. Wise beyond anybody’s ears. She knows her stuff. Too humble to sit on top of a mountain. She keeps it real. She’s got soul. Feel the love! She makes me write like this and I don’t know why either. Suddenly, a hyperactive monster emerges, and you wish you had read the sign. “Do Not Feed Sheena Chocolate.”

This lanky dude is THE man with THE stick. The stick that is always hard. The stick that is always long, that when he walks, it touches the ground. The stick that he holds all day. The stick that makes him look intelligent, suave and sexy than he ALREADY is. He means no harm; he has never hurt anybody with his stick. Not even a cat.

Of all things healthy, Mr. Soya is afraid of potatoes, especially when they bleed of tomato sauce. He is a master of sticks and balls. He wokes smeed. He is witty, sarcastic and more intellectual than the average Greek dude on a toilet.

This dude is cool, man. Tall, fair and handsome. He demonstrated, on me, how to lap dance! *melts* Isn’t he hot?

Like Gollum, she doesn’t like human food. Not even the lowest-common-denominator, fast food! She likes chicken feet and liver. Like Gollum, she is skinny. She counts things in plural. Her handphones. Her houses. Except, of course, that she does own aforementioned things in plural form!

Once upon a time, it was just her and me, newbies to pool, and one domineering teacher. We wanted to stab our teacher with our cue sticks when she wasn’t looking. It was both our first times, and I *ahem* was better at making contact with the white ball. Times have changed. She is now this legendary baller, and I enter balls only because I am the kai-ness.

She is so pink! One with such Michelle-Branch-ish complexion, such vast pink cheeks. Such understated rosiness. Such giggly enthusiasm. Such addictive irritateability.

She’s got the cutest button nose ever, the bestest manja stoned face, the bestest unskinny body, the most infectious laugh… but I do not love her. In fact I hate her guts, for she is the one to have taken my dear Syefri from me.

She is so smart, she makes me look stupid. You see? That sentence just now sounded stupid too. She is the sweetest-sounding negotiator ever. You see? I’m writing her another testimonial even though she hasn’t written me one. You see? How shameless.

Rarely will you ever meet such a young, sharp-tounged cynic. She’s sarcastic, but I guess you already know that, so why repeat what others have said? The dirt says she is sneaky and always up to mischief, but alas – people like her like to bust themselves. There was once she got me to find this dude at a certain house address near my place. There was once I held her phone as this guy came around, having never met her before. There was also this time she caught me in a moment of self-expression. She is also scarily wise and wordy beyond her age.

She’s cute, she’s round… headed, and she’s got the nicest voice ever. Like peppy and happy like Britney Spears her idol… oh wait, Spears was whiny. She’s got a strong opinion and the pizzazz. THE accent. The confidence that will knock you off and you will be all warm and fuzzy inside when she says hi. The warm and fuzzy hug-able-ness. She’s got a new haircut which doesn’t look as fluffy and mess-up-able, but it makes her look elegant.

She is sleepier than I am! How amazing is that? I imagine her snoozing away as kids jump on her balloon-like tummy. She is literally your worst enemy at foosball! However, don’t feel threatened by her kai-ness at pool or snooker or whatever it is. Yeah she has a nice house, nice phone, a funky sense of fashion… and there’s just something about her eyes that screams Martian.

This dude is super cool. He exudes the calmness of a taichi master. Sifu. Sensei. He looks so wise and aged! He sounds wise, too. Some say he is actually wise, but that would spoil all the fun we had on “Bang Fei Weekend”. The weekend ritual where we make fun of Fei to no end. Of course he’s sporting as heck. Oh, and he turns a rosy red. How beautiful!

I remember her! The one with long hair, done into braids. Major coolness. I can’t remember if we (and Wong Wei Li) were best friends in primary school, but we sat in front, in the middle of the class, with me in between both of them. They’d never let me pass and so I had to crawl under the table to get out. 🙁 In secondary school however, we disappeared to opposite ends of the school. 🙁

This buttslapping loveable sugarmommy is the cheekiest you will find in the land of Malaysia. She’s Malay but looks like some Indonesian/Filipino. She has the bengang face to complement my stoned sepuluh-sen face. I must thank her for introducing me to Incubus proper, and she must thank me for the many mix MP3 CDs I burnt for her. She calls people and recites textbooks. She calls people and strikes short conversations… with the people right next to her, while the other fella is still on the phone. She is loud and yet not irritating or obnoxious. She sounds like a mature old tree but you can peel off her emotional flakes. She deserves your love just like every other boring sweet nice gentle kind cute photogenic person.

She listens to Iron Maiden but she’s not evil; she’s a civil engineering genius. We built many towers together, out of only A4 paper! She’s the cuter one of the two sisters that everyone sees together.

This is the only place anyone shall ever know of this – I dreamt of her. Yes I did. She was a taxi driver. Why her and not any other colleague, I have no idea. I haven’t even been in her car! Perhaps it’s her unique voice that implants her in my head.

Mamat ini cool. It’s damnded funny that I always bump into him everywhere, event or not. We don’t even have each other’s numbers or instant messenger contacts or anything! (Well maybe a Friendster link and a blog link but we don’t like arrange to meet or anything!) It’s even more ironic that I’ve never ever gone to a gig with him performing in it. (Well I wanted to once, but it was at a gay bar, you know…) Am I so lucky as to have seen him a few times without a guitar on his back? Anyway, this dude is the bees’ knees. He is rightfully the cheeseist, corniest joker there is! Beware the signboards, he has the wackiest imagination ever. Oh, and he’s the best person to look for if your gang has been scattered in a crowd.

What defines Fin better than “the definder of kittens”? You shall find her feeding those lazy kittens the unfinished food from our table. Contrary to her testimonial on me, I shall not step on her; she is far too cute.

Shannon is pretty… evil. Shannon makes evil faces when she smiles. Shannon wants to roll people off the LRT and laugh as they fall hopelessly down into the road. Shannon is an academic geek. Shannon loves amilase enzymes. Her hand is full of them. If you don’t know what amilase enzymes are, just shake her hand. Shannon is full of holes. If you made a voodoo doll for Shannon, you’d have to poke a metal brush through it before she hurts. Shannon is a show-off. Jason Lo bought Shannon a drink. Riiight.

I don’t understand why she keeps calling herself a TEDDY bear when in fact she looks like a KOALA bear. Well at least she’s evil. She drives fast and furiously. So what if she gets in an accident? She’d just climb up and masquerade, even on a kampung road on a banana tree. She wouldn’t peel banana skins to make passerbys fall; that wouldn’t be worthy of her sadistic self.

He likes girls, and welcomes the company of men (not boys). He comes up with the cheekiest cheesiest corniest lines. He is more successful than the mild-mannered, somewhat-pasty-faced, bespectacled lecturer and boss/journalist pimp daddy he is. Do not be fooled by his sometimes shy voice – he has two hotlines! “That means I’m twice as hot,” he’d say.

She’s seventy seven on seventeen and seventeen on seventeen o one. She laughs like Scooby Doo you’d do too if you had a clue that once upon times really she was nasty to cats originally. She shall moon and you shall swoon like a goon to her tune. She shall sing and you won’t blink till phones ring for the studio recording. She does reports plays sports guards the forts for her cohorts. She will organize prioritize and hypnotize with her doe eyes with shrewd hair snips, pouty lips and sloping hips your heart rips rolling out your ribcage you’d be in terminal stage. Alas she is not my kind of girl, mine would be in pink and be glutteral.

He is funny. He’s got a sexy voice and he looks rather cute for a metalhead. Rest assured, he doesn’t need piercings; he’s got heavy metal in his blood! I just wish he’d give Black Sabbath proper homage and listenage.

Why is this dude so familiar? He looks like Rudy the hitz.tv host… NO, not that. He appears on Xfresh TV… No, not that. By dusk, he is Ramona the Queen Of The Night! Can you imagine how lucky you would be to be picked up by Ramona, with her boomy cigarette-roughed voice? Damn, she can sing. She can damn well sound Scottish too on Kilt Night! Okay I better stop as he is a nice guy who sends me home. Beat him for top frag and get an orgasm.

Her Yellow Chinese name is Corinne Kong. Her Red Indian name is Warm Paw.

I don’t know how many hours of sleep she gets, but she sure as heck as energy to rattle on about politics and other stuff she holds opinions on (which is about anything) for an otherwise sleepy breakfast. It goes on for a while, although she goes 10 paragraphs a minute, but hey we (or at least I) I don’t mind, because of the facial expressions she throws in. SOOO CUUUTE!!! You (or at least I) have always wanted to reach out and just PINCH THOSE AUNTY/UNCLE-ATTRACTING CHEEKS in the middle of a conversation (or rather a speech that we attend at a lunch table), but that would be rude, and you’d know what she’d do. She’d make that irritated face and point at you. Which is well, more cute than irritated. If I had a shirt pocket, I’d put her in it.

Hello. If you are a future employer and are looking up her background, let me personally assure you have made the right choice. She’s hardworking: “Is it still lunch break? I don’t wanna get fired.” I’m like, “Chill lah it’s only been 15 minutes.” She’s inquisitive: “How do you fill this up?” “What did she say?” “HUH?” She’s healthy: “I’m still hungry lah.” At least you know she won’t fall asleep on the job from not eating. Oh and despite her proper-sized portions, she’s not fat. Hmmm. Start a movement, girl. “Proper-sized portions for proper-sized proportions.”

This sugarcoated duhvnat is an inspiration to the bleak world of today to be… happy! I have become a bouncing bubbly cartoon since she touched me. Oh wait, you’d say, for people who know that I am stoned… it just means I need a spliff of maypine. You know, the sweet beef. The purple(-haired) blaze. Maypine is 21. Maypine is legal in Malaysia, bless our country. Roll out your papers and she’ll light you up instead.

Them: “Eh where did Miriam go?” Me: “Oh she went to drink. Damn German Indians.” Them: “What? We thought she was Pakistani!” This German Indian may be a lean mean drinking machine, but wait till you see how she spills drinks that have YET to be spiked. 🙂 She has a unique German Indian accent, or Indian German accent, but whatever it is both accents compliment each other damn well. Yeah, I dig the way her tongue rolls the words out. Bloody cool. Plus I’d never heard anything like it before… until I heard this Nepalese reporter on Star World ironically reporting about someone going to Germany! Oh and sadly, this hardened rocker is not as free as she used to be, ever since she STOPPED working at a major publication.

I miss this donkey (and his donkey laugh.) CRAZY FART. When we are combined our age is halved. He is a CLASSIC. He was the former GM of Xfresh – he’d come in at whatever time. Where would he be? On the way. The limbo. He is cursed to bad luck with public transport, but there was this time he lost two Nokia 3310s and a digicam, and he found a camera phone! What luck. His old porcupine hair could burst into fire. A few dinosaurs died to make that oil slick back then; thank goodness he now sees the light and has fluffy hair. His mouth bursts on fire with Nando’s.His shoes DON’T burst on fire when he’s finding yet another rail to ‘soap’ on. His opponents die from his fire in whatever computer game he’s in. If you do not understand this testimonial, you are a boring person, and you need to meet Wong Kok Jen. He will put the EXTREME in you, and you will thank him for that.

I never got round to writing this fine lass(ie) a testimonial since she’d always be online, and I’d rack up chat logs. There is just too much to say that I have to refer to chat logs. Anyway. She rocks with her electric guitar and excellent (though questionable at times) rock picks. She rocks me too. Original somemore. Pity that she’s stuck in [missing?] She bears with my nonsense (and actually understands it!) She rocks. Literally. With a Peavey. If only she’d join me in my illegal collection of music.

Happy Birthday! May you be old enough to touch my tralala!

See also:
My Friendster Testimonials! (Testimonials that friends wrote for me.)