As a connoisseur of massage equipment, whose fine practice has been refined back while waiting for ever-so-punctual friends, I can thereby declare OSIM’s uPilot… the best there is.

This effectively dethrones their previous top model, the iDesire. With hand massagers that looked like a comfortable bondage chair, and a distinct head-slapping program towards the end, a grown man could experience what it is to just lay back for 15 minutes and have an orgasm.

OSIM is the only massage equipment company that has successfully made products that consistently make me feel good even when I get up. Some hurt me and feel good after I get up; some feel good but hurt after I get up.

So what’s new with the uPilot? Ultimately, the joystick lets you control the rollers/slappers. You can make it sink into the couch for less power, or make it push you up. You can shift it from your lower back to your neck.

Yes, just like telling the masseuse to go up a bit and work on your shoulders.

A good massage is usually of the harder variety. Anyone who has ever been for the real thing would know. Don’t tingle and giggle. The octopus/jellyfish move, which creeps up the scalp, is tingly at first, then you brace the fact that having your brains sucked out like a coconut is bliss.

Some ask how I do it so well. Simple – you massage a friend like you wish you’d like to be massaged at that moment. It works. Heck there have been times where I’d need a massage bad, but headed over to knead some random colleague and I’d feel much better.

When I am old and retired, I will want to have children who are a benefit to society. I wouldn’t want just a dumb corporate slave. I already won’t force them into boring stuff like accounts or law (though, if they go into law hardcore, I don’t want to pick up death threats for them.)

At the very least, they should earn enough to buy me a massage chair.