Category Archives: Jokes

How To Be A Red Ninja

Come, son, I will teach you the ways…

…to be in perfect harmony with nature.

Only at the KL Performing Arts Centre Open Day, 27th January 2008.

Let the heat of the ground make your feet alight.

And you will travel nimbly knowing the world is round.

Take a stroll through the greenery.

For we shall gather flowers.

Augh! I am attacked by the unharmonious bokeh of Albert’s Cosina 70-210mm F2.8-4 1:2.5x Macro lens! He should’ve brought his Minolta 70-210mm F4 beercan.

This is how one shall divert unharmonious aura.

Toss flowers into it to balance bad chi.

Fight, with my tanto, fight!

Oh, but my opponents keep shooting me…

…from all directions!

When the peaceful wanderer finds oneself in undue persecution, the Stone Of Retribution shall give the necessary leverage.

Sugar, I Misheard You

I actually wondered what went on in the lyrics of System Of A Down – Sugar, and I found this:

But that’s not the only one!

This makes the second commonly misheard song with the word “sugar“. The other is Fall Out Boy – Sugar, We’re Going Down. 🙂

23 Questions

1. What colour pants are you wearing now?

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Light haired guys. Easier to spot them in a crowd.

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
Yeah man, that punkass hasn’t returned my money!

4. Do you have a best friend?
Kawan I semua best kan? Tapi yang hutang I, tak best.

5. Who was the last person you hugged?
The smitten kitten.

6. Have you ever had your heart broken?

Oh yes, she told me she was already together with another guy even before we broke up, and I got up and slapped her. So much for my beliefs in non-violence.

If you follow how I do memes, you’d know some of that is fiction.

7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
No, my skin is a bit tough and will need metal instruments to puncture and cut my skin. Plastic scalpels do not cut it.

8. Do you like your life?
Why, yes, I do! Wait…

Do I?


Do you?

Shit, now that you ask it that way… I wonder if I am really happy with my life, or if it’s just a reflex response.

9. Do you shop at Hollister?
I don’t know where Hollister is.

10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?
Yes. There was a time when Mr. Sia was largely missing in action. Watch your back imma gonna get ya!

11. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
Swimwear is a form of clothing, so I’d say… yes.

12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
Let’s see – girly males not much (I just don’t attract their friendship), boyish males many, girly females not so much (thank GOD!), boyish females some. Thus, more boys.

13. How long have you had MySpace?
MySpace won’t tell me, but I first joined because Reza used one of my pictures on his MySpace profile and I wanted to see if he credited me.

Because he’s good-looking, has a sexy voice, and gets me into gigs for free, I’ll let him off.

14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
No. Is it enjoyable? Will he enjoy it? Do you know any boys who want to be slapped in the face? Drop me a comment, let me know!

15. What are your biggest fears?
Slapping a boy in the face, and then him enjoying it, and then him trying to convince me that it’s enjoyable to be slapped by slapping me as well.

16. Has anyone close to you ever passed away?
No, but many people close to me have passed wind.

17. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
When I was a baby, and my dad said he was going out to the shop to buy some bread. Father of mine!

18. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
A greater challenge is to get someone off your waist.

19. Do you believe in the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”?
No. A good expulsion from school should do the trick.

20. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yeah, every time she calls.

21. Do you ever wish you were famous?
No I didn’t. I think somebody else’s wish got granted on me instead.

That must mean that somebody else woke up one day with t!ts and a killer ass.

22. Are you currently missing someone?
Yes yes. Oh and I share the missingness of the nation – we’re missing Sharlinie! Please find her.

23. Please tag 5 people:
John F. Kennedy, Elvis Presley, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin.

Whatdya mean we can’t tag dead people? The morgue does it all the time!

So Albert, How Do You Bag Lenses?

I’ve met a lot of new digital SLR owners who have very few lenses but carry very big bags. I have a small bag but carry a lot more lenses. So, I’ve written this guide with pictures on how you can use smaller bags to fit more stuff efficiently.

This also helps for those self-professed gearheads (I am one of them.)

For this exercise, I’ll use a few of my lenses which we’ll call:

  • SUPER TELE (anything that goes beyond 300mm or is F2.8)
  • TELE (smaller lenses that end at 150 to 300mm e.g. 70-300mm, 70-210mm F4, 50-150mm F2.8)
  • WIDE (thicker diameter lenses usually giving wide angle. Can replace STANDARD in scenarios due to shape)
  • STANDARD (the most common compact kit lens)
  • FISHEYE (shaped like a prime but fatter)
  • PRIME (compact, light, and amazingly bright)
  • TELECONVERTERS (compact, light and easy way to get further without bringing real TELE lenses)

SUPERZOOMS, like those newfangled 18-250mm lenses, don’t count here because they are slow focusing, have dark apertures and have some optical compromise… which is why a lot of serious camera enthusiasts do not buy them.

First concept you must learn – the FLASH would usually be L-shaped so it can sit in a smaller bag with an SLR with STANDARD lens.

There! This tiny OEM bag which you can pick up at any camera store is subtle and does not scream “STEAL ME I HAVE EXPENSIVE EQUIPMENT INSIDE!

A little pocket fits a camera battery, flash batteries and a flash shoe.

What’s it for? You can shoot events with just this setup.

Range: Standard range, 18-70mm APS-C perhaps.

This same bag can fit a STANDARD, a PRIME and a TELE. This is the most common lineup I see people having… and buying huge Crumpler 7 Million bags for. Damn you all!

* the green box shows where it should be upside down, that is, the PRIME inside, and back of SLR facing top of bag.

A flash can be added but it must use a flash pouch, clipped to the belt. Howdy pardner!

What’s it for? Concerts! A pox on you if you flash the performers.

Range: 18-300mm APS-C perhaps with a bright lens in between.

The next bag is a Mini camera bag. It can house a FISHEYE and PRIME (with teleconverter) in the front compartment. Here it goes from 8mm fisheye to 100mm F2.8 (50mm F1.4 + 2x teleconverter). You can also put the 2x teleconverter on the FISHEYE for a sorta-wide.

This is my most common setup.

Range: 8mm fisheye to 100mm F2.8 (50mm + 2x teleconverter).

Of course, you could replace the FLASH with a TELE.

Range: 8mm fisheye to 300mm.

I have a medium-sized bag which is about the size of those Crumplers, I think. Side pockets are small and can only fit a FISHEYE and PRIME with teleconverters. The front pocket is slim and just fits the FLASH while the main compartment has a velcro divider, making space for a SUPER TELE and camera with STANDARD lens.

Believe me, I don’t bring the SUPER TELE around as often as I’d like to. Also, the TELE is missing from this lineup.

* TT is a short form for Teh Tarik session, a Malaysian activity where camera enthusiasts meet at a eatery for drinks to discuss gear (and sometimes, show off pictures. Sometimes.)

What’s it for? To show off the great deals I got. My lenses in total cost less than my digital SLR.

Range: 8mm fisheye to 1100mm (SUPER TELE 400mm + 1.4x teleconverter + 2x teleconverter)

Now this is geared to stalkers uh, candid action photographers. The camera already lies in the main compartment, no dividers, with the SUPER TELE on! A TELE can also fit in.

What’s it for? Sports!

Range: 18mm to 1100mm (SUPER TELE 400mm + 1.4x teleconverter + 2x teleconverter)

Then, I pack in more from the previous design here. It will be a hassle to set up initially, but you’d hang the camera around your neck after that.

Range: 8mm fisheye to 1100mm (SUPER TELE 400mm + 1.4x teleconverter + 2x teleconverter)

Some days, when I want to shoot film, I use this setup. The dSLR gets the TELE (since it can get higher ISOs) while the film SLR gets the WIDE.

Range: 8mm fisheye to 840mm (TELE 300mm + 1.4x teleconverter + 2x teleconverter)

So where’s the tripod? Well, get stabilized lenses or a digital SLR with in-body stabilization.

What about backpacks? I like having my bag around my shoulder for quick access to the camera. Anything else would be a specific review – these bags are common form factors.

I actually have a bigger bag than all this, but I really don’t know what else I need to fit in it. Yes, that means I have four camera bags! Hey, this is the only case where men can collect bags…

Technical details: Okay, so I cheated and used a Sigma 70-210mm F4-5.6 as a stand-in for a STANDARD lens, since I didn’t have one… and used the WIDE to shoot the photos. Also, your SUPER TELE might end at 500mm instead of 400mm so do the math.

No Sweat

This post was meant for Saturday, to keep my one-post-a-day record, but I broke it by not blogging from my phone as originally intended.

There was many a time I have been proud that I do not sweat much.

Then, I realized that I do sweat in polo shirts and shirts with more than 2 buttons (which is rare, so make sure you take every oppurtunity to camwhore with such a perspiring Albert).

Then I realized that I rarely wear polos and button-ful shirts. Every other guy probably wears them more often, and thus propagate the idea of men being sweaty pigs.

It’s not true, they’re just trying to look nice. If you would stop staring at their drenched sleeves.

Oh and for the record, it is good to make a girl sweat. 😉

In Other News

Somebody thought I was a spy.

What me Albert a spy? I don’t even remember what a martini tastes like! I talk into my phone, not my shoe! (Though the part about getting it on with hotties might be about right.)

Who do you work for?” he asked.

Yes, my camera does bring some attention, but no, I don’t take spy shots; I am a voyeur, and if I am flashing the crowd it is just to shoot some random chick.

Sedap Giler Babi

Because I don’t want to spoil the record of a blog a day (unlike a blog whose URL is who is not updated daily) I will include a filler.

This happened today:

Chinese Taxi Driver: You ni Cina ker? (Are you Chinese?)
Me: Uh… Yeah. Tapi tak boleh cakap Cina lah. Dengar boleh. (But I can’t speak Chinese. I can understand it though.)
CTD: Aiyo! Itu macam tak boleh. You pernah kena fakk? (That should not be! Have you been screwed?)
Me: Yeah… tapi I boleh order lah. Char Siew Fan, Tar Pao. Mai Tan. (Yeah, but I can order. Barbequed pork rice, take away, call for the bill.)

For some reason, the way he said it it was so hilarious. Oh, and it means “YEAH! Pork is delicious!

The second funniest pork-related phrase I’d heard was “BAAABIII?!? HARAAAM TUH!

In other words, pork is against one’s religion if one is a Muslim.

Ice, Ice Baby

I was on the PUTRA LRT on evening, from Pasar Seni to KL Sentral, standing next to a glass pane. A white-haired Chinese man with glasses sat on the seat just behind the glass. From where I stood, I had a bird’s eye view of his balding head.

He coughed profusely, and I could not help but look. He was typing a message:

To: Ice wife, Mary
On the train now
going to reach
the station.

I snickered.

Maybe when I’m married and old, I’ll call my wife an Ice wife, too.

It was then that my mom messaged me, and I realized why he called her Ice wife! My mom was ICE in my phonebook.

In the UK, people save a loved one’s number as ICE, short for In Case of Emergency. This is so that if you suddenly collapse in the street, a paramedic/hospital staff can dial the number saved as ICE and ask if the person has any allergies and health complications, etc. (My dad’s not the toxicologist in the family and can’t remember what each member’s allergies are, plus he doesn’t carry his phone around, so he’s not the ICE, ICE baby.)

There’s also a hoax going around saying that if you save a number as ICE you’ll get charged premium rates. Ignore those.

And now, for a random conversation quip inspired by the very funny Just Sewjin:

Kingsley, Asyraf and I were having supper.

Albert: So, right, I was in Bentley Music back in 2004, and I was showing MW which electric guitar I wanted to buy, the lickable butterscotch Ibanez GSA 370-QM, and then I realized there and then that it had 22 frets and not 24! I was dashed!
Kingsley: Oh man!
Asyraf: Er, what’s the difference between 22 and 24 frets?
Albert: It’s like uh… the difference between a 50mm F1.8 and a 50mm F1.4 lens.
Asyraf: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Okay, so it’s not funny. But his blog is.

Here’s a lazy pimp to something for otakus, but because Dustyhawk calls me an 455 I’ll just put one link.
C2AGE: Cosplay, Comic, Anime and Games Convention