Yet Another Lap

It’s sad when you realize that all your efforts only helped change how you feel about yourself, and nobody notices. They still think so, even with no prior notice.

It was then that I accepted myself for being like that. I knew it was bad, and I tried breaking out of it. I thought I did but to no avail! Results may vary.

Perhaps my own individualism is too strongly rooted in me. I’m trying to sell out, with the gag reflex coming right after, but I wonder if it’s all in my head. So all the accomplishments I intended to have were illusions in my introspection. I’m not different from before or any better to any of you.

It’s like dreaming that I’ve climbed out of the well. Or how you’re lying down in bed, and your muscle twitches, and you think you got up.

It’s frustating. When I get into one of these introspective thinking loops, I truly feel like what I’m doing at the moment (say walking around town alone) is meaningless.

What’s worse now is that I realize that I’ve become good at adapting bad traits of others. Fickleness. Hard-headedness. Stinginess. Others used to point out those evils in other people, and I would whole-heartedly agree. G would b***h about H and I would agree with G. I would psyche myself not to inherit H‘s traits. Then I’d realize that I had those same hate-able traits as H, but not from H, but other people totally unrelated to H. My friends were dirty as well. Perhaps then I could relate to H. Of course, G is still drumming in my ears, and I now hate my own traits that I tried so hard not to have.

I can relate to a guy that everybody hates for his traits. They haven’t realized that I was once like him. They don’t hate me in the same way because I had a few years of experience and unnecessary authority.

Insecurity is ironic. It makes me try to break out, but it’s the same thing that draws me back to my roots. I’m too chicken poop to progress and expand. All I wanna be is appreciated, and not in the regular cheap fondness way. If I believed in God, or somebody who had unconditional love, maybe I’d be happy. The scientist in me denies me that cheap illusion.

Perhaps I’m spoilt. I know I’m appreciated somewhat, but I don’t appreciate their appreciation as much as I should.

Then again, who are my friends? Why do I go to them? Some are for purely materialistic reasons. The dude has cool toys. The dude has a car. The dude can go out at night. The dude has a new joke every day. The dude updates me on our interests. In a sense, they are more of business partners.

What do I have to offer?

0 thoughts on “Yet Another Lap

  1. Tiara Post author

    YOu’re got yourself to offer. That’s why you’re here in the first place.

    Don’t try to sell out. Don’t try to conform. Don’t try <i>not</i> to conform. Just be.

  2. CaryNa da bOmbdefusah Post author

    All i have to say is most people have thought of that before somewhere sometime in their life. What have YOU got to offer? Lots. Look at you. Look at your website. Look at Xfresh. You’re the dude that everyone is comfortable with. Take a chill pill, thinking too much can actually be bad…tho it burns 4 calories per minute…=P

  3. lionel Post author

    dude! from this side of the monitor, i’ve always thought you were ice cool. what heck this all about? (the much hyped quarter-life crisis, i know. same here.)

  4. Dark One aka Silent One Post author

    WEll, you don’t have to offer anything. You just have to be present. Being a friend doesnt necessarily mean you SUPPLY your friends with something.

    It’s just your availability that shows what kind of friend you are. Although it matters whether or not you can hang out, or if you can talk about things, bacause these show who you are.

    Having a small crisis like this shudnt be much of a big deal to you. Come on, you faced bigger badder thigns than this. If you’re jsut scared of yourself, get to know yourself. Your friends reflect who you are. As far as I know, everyone who knwos Xfresh knows you. And they all appreiate you. All you have to do, is to stay the way you are. Right?


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