Category Archives: Jokes

Zhng Your Honda!

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Wow, Mr. Brown’s Zhng Your Car! show has reached Malaysians, including this one that had a Kuala Lumpur-registered license plate (censored).

I ille… aiya, don’t say illegal lah, I quote the show at 17 minutes 50 seconds:
Johnny: So we go and change the badge for you.
Mr Miyagi: Change to what?
Johnny: Honda lor. Honda 323 lor. Ahh. Don’t worries, people dunno wan. They put the sticker finish already ah, say, “Eh what car that wan ah?” “Oh the logo say ah?” “Oh the badge ah? Honda!”
Mr Miyagi: Ohhh… okay…
Johnny: No need to scared wan. The badge you put already, your car is changed. New car! Zhng your car! Aaah. Hond… Mazda also become Honda.

Gee whiz, I didn’t know you were driving a Honda City, dude, so the gawdy Honda sticker really helps a lot.

Masked Messages

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Wearing a haze mask around town is fun, especially on the LRT. People stare at you, and you stare back at them. You feel a sense of unity with the other masked passengers.

I wouldn’t mind writing “what are you staring at?” on my mask, but that wouldn’t be catchy enough for the sesquipedalian Albert. So I was sitting around, thinking of eye-catching slogans for masks:

  • I can take off this mask. Women in Saudi Arabia can’t. (Don’t wear this on the monorail!)
  • Visit my blog at http://www.xfresh.com/albert
  • Made in Indonesia
  • Wanna share my air?
  • I’m trying to quit smoking
  • You and I are not breathing the same air
  • The end of the world is here. I don’t wanna die a virgin!
  • To make sure it doesn’t come off, I use superglue. It smells nice too.
  • Smile if you’re a wanker 🙂 (yes, this was stolen from a Mambo T-shirt)

Can Chill?

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My friend is a racecar driver! Telltale signs are:

1) Red paint job, because red is a racy color
2) Removed rear seats to keep the weight down
3) An affixation for speeding down empty Kepong roads

Yes people, when you do 2) to your Kancil, you can really feel more horsepower. Serious.

Ewww The Perfume

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I think crossdressing/transvestite/transsexual perfume salespeople rock.

If I had a department store, I would hire them for the night shift. Simply because:

  1. They are passionate about the job! They know their stuff! Salesgirls are generally uninformed about their product, around Malaysia at least.
  2. They can shout! “Paging for Ms. Lee!“
  3. They’re less likely to be hit on by men with perfect vision.
  4. They don’t have a curfew. “Sial budak aku baik dia tak payah balik rumah.“
  5. They won’t get bored and run away to work in KFC or something. A girl would probably just work for the money.
  6. They can reach for top shelves.
  7. They’re less prudish than those salesgirls.

So next time you see one of those, please understand that they are simply the better labor solution.

Edit: They also don’t have an excuse to be cranky every month. 🙂

I Deserve A Star For This

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“What if… according to the stars, we are not meant to be?”

So that sentence was nicked from my friend’s nick.

“Sagittarians are freedom-loving, fun-loving… I don’t think I could deal with that, being insecure and all.”

So that sentence was nicked from a voice in some girl’s head.

What is it with girls and horoscopes?

So I was in MPH with this chick, who looked for horoscope books for my sign – Sagittarius. We found that it was harder to find than books for any other horoscope, even in the same shelf. That could mean that:

– Sagittarians don’t give flying horse manure about horoscopes, so Sagittarius books don’t sell. Yes I asked some female Sagittarians as well.
– girls are too busy buying Sagittarian guys Sagittarius books, so they can tell us to read yesterday’s prediction and see how supposedly accurate it is… so that we may believe!

I haven’t been getting Sagittarius books, so I decided to call upon Google to prove my first theory. I searched for each horoscope (the word ‘horoscope‘ was added to avoid searching for testicular cancer as well).

Sorted in most popular order:

Results 1 – 10 of about 1

I Speak English

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I propose that British English, or The Queen’s English as the British would call it, or English (UK) as Microsoft would call it, be called, simply, British.

No, not Bree-teesh, Brit-eesh.

Why not the other way around? If you are a stranger in a strange land and you ask, “Do you speak American?” you might just get massively destroyed.

Still Pretty Muddled

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(name hidden) says:
eh u got take SPM meh??
I’m done with SPM. Now can I have my life back? says:
of course la! otherwise how to masuk college?
(name hidden) says:
u form 5 this year ah?
I’m done with SPM. Now can I have my life back? says:
i form 5 in 2000 la brother
(name hidden) says:
??
(name hidden) says:
then u take SPM again?
(name hidden) says:
what for??
I’m done with SPM. Now can I have my life back? says:
no, i only took it once
(name hidden) says:
ooh
(name hidden) says:
well
(name hidden) says:
i gtg now
(name hidden) says:
ciaoz
I’m done with SPM. Now can I have my life back? says:
ciao

I’ll be darned if he who shall not be named reads this. I’m having fun with my technically-correct MSN nickname. 🙂

In The Road

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One day when I am old and rich, I shall buy a road. Yes, a tar-coated road. Where my grandchildren can run and play in the middle of the road. If anyone asks if it’s their grandfather’s road, they’d say yes.

Disco-urse

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Analog South says: which disco do i go to, if i haven’t disco-vered it?
disco-very: YOUR DISCO NEEDS YOU says: Zouk’s having a 70s disco fever party tonight
Analog South says: what if my disco-graphy says my disco has been disco-ntinued?
disco-very: YOUR DISCO NEEDS YOU says: then i pity you
Analog South says: ah, expensive place, i need a disco-unt
Analog South says: many have expressed disco-ntent in disco-urses over that disco

Friend No More

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Jenifer was just talking about deleting Smashpop off her MSN Messenger list because he kept going online and offline to the extent that there were two columns of “smashpop has just signed in.” on her screen!

I then rolled my office chair over to tell him that yes, I had deleted him a long time ago for doing that. I didn’t block him though.

“Okay fine! I delete you then. Not like I talk to you anyway.”

He then looked for my nickname in his list. He couldn’t find it! I checked and found my nick there, without telling him which one it was. Oddly, it wasn’t the latest one… I then checked two other colleagues’ lists to see what my nick was. They were all different!

“Well then, wait for me to get online, then delete me lah.”