Category Archives: Rants

Blog Uh

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There has been hoo-ha among Malaysians and Singaporeans online about who is a blogger, and who is qualified to be called a blogger.

Well.

If Google wasn’t so nice, they’d sue all of us, because a quick hop to http://www.blogger.com reveals a little Copyright � 1999 – 2005 Google at the bottom. So people, stop calling yourselves blogg… er, you know, that word.

A blog was originally defined as someone who puts a link and writes a small commentary about it. Right Lionel? Therefore, Xiaxue and Dawn Yang do not own a blog. If we write about our daily lives, we are writing in journals, not blogs, as we do not follow the format. The word journalist already implies underpaid writers with limited freedom of speech and ethics. We don’t get paid, we are free to say anything and make baseless claims, so we’re far off from journalists. Journallers perhaps.

So, who really owns an account on the Internet that can be rightly called a blog? Kahsoon, of course.

I met the hot FireAngel outside Zouk, while waiting for my friends to come so I could get them in on my guest list (as opposed to the other way round, suckers!) Of course, I forgot to take a picture as proof, but Albert never lies on his blog. He may be sarcastic but he never lies!

So where were all the other blogg… I mean, journallers? They didn’t have such a happening social life, obviously. There we stood, two relative journal heavyweights, waiting for friends. Journal heavyweights meaning, we’ve both read each other’s blogs but never acknowledged each other’s presence (or were officially introduced in real life for that matter!)

Meanwhile, 95% of the journal heavyweights were at home, refreshing Project Petaling Street, slinging permalinks and trackbacks.

I think permalink is a very ga… no, even if I was gay, I would not use the term permalink. See the Replies link below? That is the link to this journal entry.

For more annoying terms, Maddox already beat me to it.

Sia-sia Sue

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Xiaxue lovers are dumb.

No wait, Xiaxue lovers are not dumb.

People who fall madly in love with her incisive, bitchy writing, then later hate her for the same reason, are dumb.

People who say they loved her and now hated her look dumb eating their words, too.

I find it so amusing that there are bloggers who stumble upon her site, immediately worship the ground she blogs on, then get majorly offended when she rants about something they like. Then they say she�s the scum of the universe.

I like her for what she is, which is for the fact that she may someday hate something I like.

The point is not about what she dislikes; the point in reading her blog is in the way she (perhaps politically-incorrectly) describes it.

The fans are those people who’d like to think they’re different and rebellious (“you go girl, you tell it like it is!“) and relating to her (later they call her “young and immature”, forgetting why they relate so well to her). No, it’s not because they look hot post-Photoshop.

I don’t like Maddox’s stand on certain things, but does that mean I stop reading? No. I read because it’s his snarky, sharp delivery that’s good!

Think of your real-life friends. Say you met this really gossippy girl, and you both know this other infamous girl, and you go on trading stories. (Yes, guys gossip too.) Are you going to tell her your secrets?

I didn’t have to tell my her secrets, and already she was telling stories of me and this other infamous girl.

Say you met a hot chick, and you hit it on pretty well, and damn fast too, say under a week. Someone calls but she keeps rejecting. “I’m not your girlfriend, dammit!“, she says. You admire her ability to pay full attention to you.

One month later, she’s rejecting your calls. Duh.

Or, if you prefer guys (well hey, my readership varies):

Say you met this hot guy, and you hit it on pretty well, and damn fast too, say under a week. Someone calls but he keeps rejecting. “I’m not your boyfriend, dammit!“, he says. You admire his ability to pay full attention to you.

One month later, he’s rejecting your calls. Duh.

So am I saying that if you click on her link and feel an impulse to bookmark her, should you deny that twitch? No.

P.S. I hope this blog entry brings me millions of hits and free T-shirts oh, wait, I already have a wardrobe made of free T-shirts.

Skip Tickle Form

1 Reply

chez1978, you’re going to love this link. Neurotypical people are boring! That applies to about almost everybody on Friendster blogs. I end up deleting those email notifications anyway.

The wonders of Wikipedia has let me mistakenly self-diagnose myself with Asperger’s syndrome. What’s a bored geek to do? Maybe I should copy the attributes I can diagnose myself with and define it as Albertism.

““You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others’ statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.” – B.R. Forer; isn’t his description of you pretty damn straight on?

More fun here: The Skeptic’s Dictionary

And to a certain recently misconverted friend: Yes you can make X amount of money in 2 months, but you can also lose many friends in meeting them for 2 hours. 😀

Act Ticket

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Some of you might have wondered where I get money to buy two computers and a cupboard-load of Transformers recently. Well, I have a job, but I also do little side projects, namely websites.

Now the usual deal is, there is always a middleman who communicates between me and the actual client; he usually appears out of nowhere and is not closely related to me (a friend of a friend, you call these…) The one thing these middlemen have in common is that in their emails or conversations, they start off horribly fake.

Hello Albert

Rubber Soul

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I was playing The Beatles – Hey Jude on Winamp (which then shows on MSN 7.0 or later) when this conversation ensued:

Hey Jude!!
I like Sun Yan Zhi’s version
I heard hers as well, but I prefer the Beatles version… hers is a bit too angelic and pure voiced
Nice maaa
She doesn’t have the part where they go Yeah yeah yaaah yeaahaa WHHOOOOOO! And those intricate harmonies!
ergh
I dunno how to explain.. but I prefer Yan Zhi’s version
Haha okay
I like that particular bit (3:00 onwards) where they go all spazzy and rock and roll-ish
It’s very expressive
ergh
You don’t like that part?
Nope
Painful to the ears
Makes me cringe
*picks you up and puts you on the side of the line of people who don’t like that part*
Aiyo!
I LOVE IT
The fact that the Beatles have a lot of these cuckoo moments is what makes me love them
And the jude-a-jude-a-waaah-aaa-AOOOWWW!
Why do you think Michael Jackson bought the rights to them Beatles songs maaan
coz he got the AOWWW from them, he might be scared that they would sue him
I mean, I like the beginning and the chords and all, but the second half really defines the song for me
At the same time, I think Nelly feat. Kelly Rowland – Dilemma is a &@!#*&@!# annoying song
Especially the high-pitched AUUUW part at the end of each sentence
Kalau takde benda itu, sure orait punya

You can figure that those in italics are what I said.

But seriously man, the fact that they go cuckoo and just lose it makes the Beatles’ version better. Better. Better better better better OH!!!

Which is why I don’t like Mariah Carey. She’s a tonally perfect pitched multi-octaved super singer singing robot. She’s got no SOUL!

To sit here in a two seater

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You know the general social rule that if there is a passenger in the car, one of them has to sit in the front passenger seat? If the front passenger got off, another passenger was to get in front. I never quite knew that until I started working, since my family never enforced such a ridiculous rule. In fact, the front passenger seat was almost always empty!

But first, why is it necessary? To provide accompaniment for the driver. To avoid making the driver feel like he/she is driving a limosine. To not have to ask the passenger behind to move his head so he can reverse.

One day my mom dropped me off at the bus stop where my colleagues were waiting. As my mom used the front passenger seat to store her stuff, my siblings and I would always sit behind in the van. When I got off, my bitchy colleague was incensed because of my apparently rude seating position.

My parents were practical people, and so we never practiced the ritual of having a front passenger get off, and a rear passenger get out and get on the front passenger seat.

I’d still comply to the social ritual when not with family. However, I thought this such ritual (or at least, the re-occupation of the front seat) on a two-door, four-seater car was stupid.

Supposing there were two passengers each getting off at different locations, and the one to get off first was behind. How do you get both out of the car?

  1. Driver stops at first location; front passenger opens the door and gets out
  2. Front passenger folds seat to the front so that rear passenger may exit
  3. Rear passenger exits
  4. Front passenger folds seat back
  5. Front passenger sits down and closes door
  6. Driver stops at second location; front passenger opens the door and gets out
  7. Front passenger closes door

Supposing you got smart and swapped passenger positions:

  1. Driver stops at first location; front passenger opens the door and gets out
  2. Front passenger folds seat to the front so that rear passenger may exit
  3. Rear passenger exits
  4. Rear passenger folds seat back
  5. Rear passenger gets in front seat and closes door
  6. Driver stops at second location; (formerly) rear passenger opens the door and gets out
  7. (Formerly a) passenger closes door

Both take the same number of steps, but the second case can be optimized:

  1. Driver stops at first location; front passenger opens the door and gets out
  2. (Formerly) front passenger closes door
  3. On the drive to the second location, the rear passenger folds the seat to the front so that he/she may exit, so this isn’t really a time-consuming step
  4. Driver stops at second location; rear passenger opens the door and gets out
  5. (Formerly a passenger) folds seat back and closes door

This can be useful when the driver is in a rush, or when you’re on the wrong lane to drop off passengers. Are you going to endanger their lives by making them do a switcheroo while avoiding traffic? Think about it.

This is my personality now, snarky.

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I received a forwarded Powerpoint file about a Tibetan Personality Test. It was quite annoying (oh look I know how to do Powerpoint transitions! The more people this is forwarded to, the more time is wasted collectively!)

And so, I Googled the contents and paste it here so hopefully if you get the daily digest, you won’t get annoyed by the animations.

(1) Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference:
Cow, Tiger, Sheep, Horse, Pig

(2) Write one word that describes each one of the following:
Dog, Cat, Rat, Coffee, Sea

(3) Think of someone, who also knows you and is important to you, which you can relate them to the following colors. Do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color:
Yellow, Orange, Red, White, Green.

(4) Finally, write down your favorite number, and your favorite day of the week.

(Okay so then there are more “suspense-building” screens here. OH BOY!)

Your priorities in life are
career (cow)
pride (tiger)
love (sheep)
family (horse)
money (pig)

2) Your description of dog implies your own personality
Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner
Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies
Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex
Your description of the sea implies your own life

3) Yellow: Someone you will never forget
Orange: Someone you consider your true friend
Red: Someone that you really love
White: Your twin soul
Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life

4) You have to send this message to as many persons as your favorite number and your wish will come true on the day that you recorded

This is true, even if you are not superstitious.
Please do this. It is fascinating. SEND THIS E-MAIL MANTRA TO AT LEAST FIVE PERSONS AND YOUR LIFE WILL IMPROVE.
0-4 persons: Your life will improve slightly
5-9 persons: Your life will improve to your liking
9-14 persons: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next three weeks
15 or more persons: Your life will improve drastically and all that you wish will come true

Now this is funny because in quizzes like these, I always pick a horse, not because it represents family, but because it is practical, can be rode, does not stink, does not run off, can intimidate smaller animals, and in the worst case scenario, could even be eaten. Okay a cow comes second in terms of practicality, plus you can milk it, though it won’t be fast.

Believe it or not, I actually have Power Ranger friends. Namely, friends who I associate with those colors because they’re always wearing those colors!

P.S. This is not a jab at anyone who forwards such files; I just thought that the one particular bugger who had time to convert all the text into a Powerpoint file should be shot. If he/she really wanted to show his/her technical prowess he/she could make an online quiz where it would calculate the results for you. He/she could then get side income from ads.

I have definitely more than 15 blog readers. I wish for world peace!

Weirdo Baggins

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Four years ago, I was a thirsty camel. I used to lug around a 1.5 liter water bottle wherever I went, and so, I tore a few bags in the process. There was free water everywhere; a drinking water fountain at college, and a pantry at the office.

And so, when I was at a supermarket in Mines Wonderland with family, I saw a wonderful innovation. A bag where the bottom seams were such that the bottom piece was a U shape instead of a cardboard piece lining the bottom. Genius! Plus it came with many zipped pockets (instead of one). It screamed “PRACTICAL!”

Before that, having one pocket meant I’d dig out my wallet, keys, tag, and MP3 player from that one pocket, put those in my trousers, and put the pens, batteries (and other quick-access items) back in that same pocket.

Now, with two or more pockets, I could take out the items I’d want for my trousers without having to put things back. You dig?

I bet girls don’t go into detail how they transfer their necessities from one bag to another to complement their outfit. Organizational science.

So there I was, content with my new bag, and its immense organizational power, gallivanting around college with my 1.5 liter water bottle. YEAH! No more bottles escaping my bag, making an embarrassing watery thump sound!

After a week of classmates and colleagues asking if I had gone back to school, I finally realized the truth.

I was wearing a primary school schoolbag.

Now if that warrants anybody judging me to be a weirdo, screw you well at least you know my justification. I see the practicality in something first, impractical fashion… later.

Right after I lost my first mobile phone, I became excessively paranoid of putting it in my trousers pocket. So I got a belt clip for my next phone. People said it was uncle-like, but did I care, when everyone else was losing their Nokia 3310 phones?

In case you’re wondering, I gave my schoolbag to my younger brother after a week, and I used a lanyard (sometimes tied to a belt strap) for the next phone.

Maybe Blank

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So I can’t register an account without a company letter. How did I get my own ATM card when I was 16, then?

So I’ve gotta register nearest to my company. I don’t have a car or the time to go to Putrajaya. And Putrajaya isn’t that near Bukit Jalil is it?

So I couldn’t hear the guy mumbling behind the glass. Does that warrant a “aiii budak ni” as I took a seat? (Funny how I could hear him then.)

They screw up the bank cheque by misspelling the receiver’s name. (I realized this later.) I wanted to transfer funds into an account (I provided the account number) but she made me a cheque to mail to them. Obviously both of us were confused, and so I asked if they had any service to send it to them. Does that warrant a “isssh budak ni kurang ajar” as I walked away, still within earshot?

The one day I decide to do business with this bank, you have lousy service. Some people don’t go to the bank often. Remember that we aren’t familiar with your procedures.

So I got in a taxi. The guy was filling up a form. He asked where I came from. I told him my story.

And now, the narration is from the old Chinese taxi driver:

FACK THEM LAH! Back in the days before ticket numbers, I was queueing up for over half an hour. The counters were busy chatting away and taking their own sweet time to count their money. So I shouted

AAARGH

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I don’t think I need to be specific as to who is who. All you need to know is that this guy is trying to send me a 18 MB file and it is quite urgent and work-related. Gmail won’t handle it, and there are no free FTP options online. ****** is the guy’s name.

Hi Albert