Digital Watcher

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What do you first notice about the hand?

The self-inflicted cut?
(I don’t cut myself; I got this while sleeping on the bus in a weird angle, I suppose.)

The Open Minds wristband?
(I got this from the Spirit Of Independence gig, which really is for charity, for Down’s Syndrome, and not some money-making Nike fad.)

The digital watch?
Well, hopefully, you’d notice it in that order. I wear the wristband so I can say that I got it at Paul’s Place, for a real charity, and also to distract from the fact that I’m wearing a digital watch.

People say digital watches are uncool.

However, the same people can’t read analog watches.

I love digital watches. I love the alarm. I love the stopwatch. I love the auto-resetting countdown timer on this Casio, and the Casio before that (thanks to colleagues for getting the right watch with enough features as a present or I might not wear it…) And yes, I can read an analog watch well.

On a side note, my blue hair is a distraction to my long hair which is a distraction to… something else, which I will only explain to you in real life.

Not Albert

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He did not order his favorite dish. But he was not Albert.

He went out of his way, beyond his normal principles, beyond his definition. He was not Albert.

He kept the stupid tactless things, and objective comparisons, to himself, causing more awkwardness. He was not Albert.

He could’ve done something cooler. But he was not Albert.

He was red-faced when even alcohol would not flush his face. He was doing what Albert would not do.

He could’ve come home either happy or feeling like a failure. He came home not feeling like Albert.

He blindly did and fell right into the trap. He’d be damned if he did or if he didn’t, but he certainly did not take Albert’s course of action.

He apologizes for that. For it was very challenging, and excruciating, for him not to be Albert.

However, Albert will tell you what he thinks of the movie Casanova:

Quaint, richly decorated Venice landscapes and awesome cinematography emphasize on the great romanticness of this movie. However, the movie stumbles upon its mixed genres. It has excellent, sharp pokes at the church, like “is a confession all you need?” at a court. It has clever puns and double entendres, but those are few and far in between. In the meantime they have a lot of senseless, unfunny slapstick in the background. Yes, they have interesting character-swapping twists that tend to confuse, but if you’re looking for something romantic with clever flirty wit, I’d go with Down With Love.

How To Bug A Lady

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I knew a girl who loved ladybugs. And so, it was my plan for the longest time to play a prank on her give her a present. The plan? Make her red Perodua Kancil a ladybug!

I purchased black manila paper, cellophane tape, and cut the manila paper into circles, about the size of CDs.

I arranged a meetup solely for this purpose. I chose a place where I’d be able to see where she parked, namely Amcorp Mall, near Taman Jaya (where KY Speaks collected mandarin oranges). I stood outside, with camera in hand, pretending to take pictures of scenery. She didn’t notice me until I waved frantically (I wanted to hop in so I could find out where she parked.) Instead, she waved back, and parked in the outdoor car park instead of inside, thank goodness.

I then waited in the shade to see which part of the parking lot she came from, so it would be easier to locate her car.

We went for a hearty lunch. Towards the end, I excused myself to go to the toilet, and knowing Amcorp Mall’s hidden, shady toilets, I had an excuse to take a while.

I ran down to the outdoor carpark, frantically tore the cellophane tape and plastered the pre-cut manila paper all over. The manila and tape were concealed in my cargo pants pocket (why would I bring a bag to the toilet?)

Okay fine, I only taped it to the front and right side but that was enough to be seen.

I then ran back, and found that the iced lemon tea I was drinking was gone! I insisted on walking her back to her car to see her reaction.

I’ve done enough straightforward storytelling, so it’s time for you to guess her reaction.

“Hey uh, since you can’t really drive a ladybug around, here’s a smaller toy ladybug.” (Which I produced from my other side pocket.)

Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day to everybody. Instead of slobbering in mushiness or moping about, you could blog about cool, ingeniously sweet things you could do. Or you could take a friend’s girlfriend out. Taxi drivers will relate to you their stories of how they learned another language for their loves!

Fashion Action

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I went shopping, by myself, for fashion items! A phone conversation with my distraught-friend-cum-information-counter gave me just enough steam to walk into a girls’ accessories shop… to look for a metal hairband.

It was then I discovered how daunting it was. I tried a few, but they were either too tight or too loose, or propped on my hair at the wrong angle, to make me look like a princess with a black metal tiara. (RAWR.)

The shop assistants were blur also, as to what I wanted. I was indecisive! They did not know whether I should get the one that looked like a curved spring, or the one that looked like a curved comb that looked like a torture device clamped around victims’ necks.

I bought the curved spring eventually, out of pity, since I tried about everything there.

I should’ve brought a female friend to help me with my decision. Of course, if she was fashionable, she’d probably grab some trinkets herself. Gah. Patrick where are you? I need a gay buddy now. To go shopping and telling me what to get, that is. No you can’t come with me to the dressing room. Yeah I finally caught Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

No wonder girls can be indecisive when shopping, or trying out different articles of clothing and having a hard time deciding (and giving their partner a hard time convincing her that the black top does look better on her). It’s not the inherent fact that she’s a girl and she is indecisive. Female shop assistants usually don’t help you with decisions!

Now compare this to a male shop assistant, who sternly and brashly tells you, “get the Fujifilm F11. Seriously. I can tell you that this has the best quality pictures because of its high sensitivity and low noise.”

Justifying fashion to a girl is quite impossible. To the girl who swore off silk, well you otherwise wear clothes that flatter you and I do check you out when you’re walking in front and… oh well, I still say stupid things.

I have a confession: I get a certain twinge of laziness when it comes to fashion. I had the money to go get my hair done (that phrasing sounds feminine) dye my hair but I never got around to it until my sister asked if I wanted to share. I never got around to buying jeans until I made a deal with a friend which involved her helping me pick jeans, because I really don’t know these things.

P.S. I never knew that I had polo shirts all this while. Polo shirts sound like some exclusive golfwear. Turns out that they’re just collared shirts with two buttons. Sometime back, I also found out that I had khaki pants after all. Well sue me for being fashionably incompetent, I’m not homosexual. And maybe, my slight homophobia (or rather, fear of gays, and not lesbians) transcends into fashion-phobia as well.

P.P.S. Michelle you owe me a bath! Make sure you scrub deep.

Gimme Some Money

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I was walking from Pasar Seni to Masjid Jamek, downtown KL, when two Malay guys and one Malay girl were walking in my opposite direction. We would not walk into each other’s path, but suddenly one of the guys veered towards my direction, with his hands up like a bear’s, and a comical expression, and he said gruffly:

“GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!”

He then grabbed me moderately. I mean, like a bear would, but lighter. But not sissified either.

The way he played the joke, it was almost as if he knew me. Except he didn’t.

I stayed cool, somehow expecting it, and guessing that his friends dared him, so I turned to look at his friends, as they looked at him weirdly. He then smiled and I patted him off dismissively.

What was strange wasn’t just that he did that to a total stranger, but also that the total stranger totally understood what he intended to transpire, and played along. I have crazy friends who would do that! (To me, not to total strangers, of course.)

I then checked my pockets, and nothing was lost. A few hairs did stand up, but I was otherwise cool.

Lie And Dance

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Here, again, is proof that Albert procrastinates the wrong things. He breaks program schedule to show you this cool trick, brought to you with the power of two polarizers in front of a digital camera. In order – a linear polarizer (must be linear), circular polarizer, digital camera. Yep, my circular-linear-wannabe-neutral-density filter.


The setting? A traditionally scorching bright sunny day, with the absolute EVs scorching at around 15. Perfect, they say, for outdoor action photography, as every shot will be scorchingly lit with shutter speeds of about 1/250 seconds at most. The subject? A lion dance performance.

Of course, I wanted a different effect than to see the lions being immobilized in mid air. I wanted to convey motion, something you would not be able to do even at F8.0. Cue the crossed polarizers!

Settings? ISO 50, aperture priority (anywhere between F2.6 to F8.0) and EV -1. Pardon the composition of the pictures, I was focusing on getting motion in cool ways.

But first, a peek into the mind of a lion:

This is a regular shot, no movement, no filters:

I then attach the filters, and turn the linear polarizer (the outer ring) to reduce the light coming to the lens, letting the camera to choose a slower shutter speed:

Motion looks better in wide shots.

By chance, I got this; one still, the other two moving.

So that’s how it’s done!

Big drums and heavy beats. How could you not headbang to this?

Nod your head yo.

Another way to make use of shutter speed is to pan with the subject, like so: (Note the Queen T-shirt!)

A faster-moving panned subject.

Show’s over, boys.

Happy Chinese New Year to all of you! (Yes, this is still valid till the day oranges are thrown into rivers.)

Young And Smokin’

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The legal age to purchase cigarettes in Malaysia is 18 years of age, but did you know that the legal age to sell cigarettes is 21?

Knowing this, you could annoy your young friends. Ask if you could have a cigarette. Then, ask for another.

“Eh. Not free you know. Cigarette prices keep increasing, you know?”

That’s when you bust his entrepreneuring ass.

Of course, if you have a friend who would give you a cigarette for free, you might wanna keep him/her.

This also explains why there are cigarette-branded girls who walk around, collecting your information but not selling cigarettes.

Edit: Missed the not there. LOL!

P.S. Albert does not smoke cigarettes and does not suggest that you smoke as a social skill. I’ve seen enough newbies tipping ash over girls’ skirts, puffing awkwardly and coughing frantically after that. Please don’t do it because you wanna look cool. Albert however is a proponent of freeloading, so he won’t be hypocritical and tell you not to mooch off your friends. 🙂

Diet Coax

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11 PM, Friday, February 3rd 2006, location: KL Sentral

For the first time ever, KL Sentral’s concourse area was clear.

Earlier, at 7pm, I was there at McDonalds ordering. They didn’t have chicken porridge or Diet Coke/Coke Light!

How could they not have Diet Coke? How could they run out? Does everybody order Diet Coke? I thought all you McDonalds junkies order Coke, the real thing, not the weak artificial imitation. I thought you all order burgers too, so how could they run out of porridge? (I normally don’t order porridge but I was feeling sick.)

This is why I drink Diet Coke.

Cabbie With Soul

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So I hopped in a cab. This post will be partially translated from Malay to English as and when I feel like; cabbie will speak in italics while I will not. Conversation may not be completely, accurately transcribed, and may be shortened by accident.

So… kau dari mana?
I dari Bangsar Shopping Complex.
Oh… kerja ke?
Nolah, I baru tengok show. Itu Harith Iskander kat Actors Studio.
Wahhh itu Harith Iskander ya? Dia boleh buat wang buat show. English market.
Er.. yeah.
Kau tau, dulu I sekolah I buat persembahan. Banyak pementasan. Cikgu pun supportive. Tapi… I keluar, I buat security guard.
Huh kenapa you tak masuk? Kalau you tau, you bagus, you boleh buat.
Oh adalah… I ada cuba jugak. Masa tu ada interview RTM. Buat newscaster. Saya ada pergi. Tapi diorang macam nak… tak nak… nak ke tak nak? So I masa tu baru tujuh belas, I tak tahu apa-apa lagi, tak tau nak pergi mana, tinggal mana, I baru datang KL 1985.

He then goes on to say how he learnt scriptwriting, and knew how to and did everything on the set.

He went on about how Kisah Benar stories lack quality, and how anyone could watch a drama and complain about how it could’ve been so much better. About how Rosyam Nor is just doing it for the money, without the soul. And that he was actually sponsored by an Indian company, using his name to approach big companies.

You tau sekarang punya drama? Bila dia ada scene kenduri. Dulu kan, dia buat atmosphere dia tau. Ada budak lari sini-sana. Ada budak mau kencing. Sekarang kan, dia terus pergi dialog.

I threw in my own tangent:

Look at the colors in Jefri Zain movies! I was watching ASTRO RIA and saw bright vivid nicely post-processed technicolor in Gerak Kilat. Nowadays you see baaad, bad color and horrid, dark brown skin tones. What happened to good post-processing on film? Is digital film making our local productions look horrible?

He was actually quite photogenic. He had the look, even at his age. How old?

Anak saya pun ada kata, “Abah buatlah filem…”

I told him to go and do it, the next time his friends in the scene ask him to. Because he needs to represent. Because he needs to fix what is wrong with local drama.

You’ve got soul, go do it.

You got a chance, go chase it. (A cabbie was once a double-pedalling drummer whose band was about to get its big break.)

He then ended by asking if I had stock options in ASTRO. Yeah, I said. Keep it, he said. He then went on about stocks and went all stock-geek on me.

Sadly, I fear that he was just being lazy about it, like a lot of us. Why aren’t we getting up and doing what is right? Is Afdlin Shauki the only champion in local movies? (Okay, and Yasmin Ahmad too.)

I may not be a pious person; I believe in soul as the passion to do what is right.