Category Archives: Jokes

MY FOURTH EVER QUIZ!

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Okay so this isn’t as easy to creatively answer but here goes.

LAST:

cigarette: My road has been tarred, but never my lungs, first-hand
good cry: July, oh why?
library book checked out: Never checked out a library book. 🙂
movie seen: Eep. Princess Diaries 2
book read: Gameaxis Magazine
cuss word uttered: Dammit
beverage drank: Water
food consumed: free Domino’s for a dinner meeting! 🙂
crush: A year ago? I don’t crush anymore, weirdly
phone call: William
tv show watched: Pillow Talk featuring Shelley Leong and Az Samad
time showered: 7:30am
shoes worn: My one and only free not-in-the-market Nikes
CD played: Alter Bridge – One Day Remains
item bought: Mamee snack noodle. YAM YAM!
downloaded: Ukelele tabs for Super Mario Brothers
annoyance: he is not on my Friendster list. Isn’t this nice to read?
disappointment: Yesterday…
soda drank: today, at the free dinner meeting! 🙂
thing written: “has profile times and show names” – excerpt from meeting
key used: A minor. Jiwang sial
word spoken: Refresh!
IM: yesterday night with Joel
sexual fantasy: Whoa. Three hours ago. Am I pregnant?
weird encounter: on the bus home, with an old rich contractor
ice cream eaten: Probably two months ago
time amused: Before lunch, watching a blindfolded pianist play the entire Super Mario Bros theme!
time wanting to die: I’ve always wanted to LIVE!
time in love: with my computer? I still am
time hugged: Sometime this month. I should shower more often
time scolded: Yesterday
time resentful: Yesterday. Argh why did I miss THE gig at Paul’s Place?
chair sat in: The office one; still sitting.
chapstick used: I am naturally kissable
lipstick used: I am naturally kissable
underwear worn: Primary school, before boxers ruled
shirt worn: The official hitz.fm T-shirt, again, free
time dancing: Probably the Mont Kiara Jazz Fest
poster looked at: The one with my dad’s old company in it
show attended: KLue’s 4th anniversary, with Seven Collar T-shirt and Teh Tarik Crew
webpage visited: http://jenifur84.diaryland.com/041006_29.html (GEE)

CURRENT:

clothes: A hitz.fm T-shirt and jeans
mood: Self-amusing
music: Super Mario World theme
taste: GOOD as always
hair: Freshly cut
annoyance: Nothing
smell: Apparently, unhuggable
thing I should be doing: Working, being, after all, in an office
desktop picture: HAHAHAHA you should come here and see it for yourself
refreshment: Water
worry: If things will ever be the same again

My THIRD EVER QUIZ!

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1. Your full name:
Take my ICQ nick and shuffle the letters around. NOW you guys know.

2. What friends call you:
Albert, Bert; Alby, Albie (both, if from guys, sound incredibly gay) Dude DEY Dear Darling OY Macha Boss

3. What your boyfriend/girlfriend calls you:
Alby baby. Sometimes J.J.M. just gropes me straight.

4. What’s a name you once wished you’d rather have?
I can’t remember. 🙁

5. What is the ugliest name you can think of?
Yngwie

7. If there was a song about you, what would it be called?
The Wizard

8. What would you name your kids?
Definitely not Q-Tip. 😉

9. What would you name a ship you built?
Not Q-Tip either!

10. If you wrote a book, what would it be called?
The Bluffer’s Guide To Appearing All-knowing

11. Thrown up in public?
No

12. Eaten or drank anything spoiled?
No

13. Had a rip in your pants you didn’t know about?
One day a huge grunge-style knee hole appeared in my favorite cargo pants!

14. Tripped while checking someone out?
I trip, but I never fall. 🙂

15. Had to pay for something you broke?
I never did pay for her heart

16. Nearly drowned?
In the love of the Backstreet Boys

17. Passed out?
No, weirdly… I never remembered fainting

18. Had a crush on somebody:
Who hasn’t?

19. Been stuck in the rain?
No, almost got stuck in cement though

20. Been attacked by an animal?
HO YEH. Rawr. Thank goodness she didn’t bite. 😀

21. Caught people kissing?
Yeah. Was a bit too heavy to drag both of them in the net so I let them go

22. Fallen asleep while driving?
No

23. Felt attracted to someone of the same sex?
Yeah, but MEN ARE JERKS. I’ll NEVER FALL FOR ALL YOU MEN WHO THINK BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!

24. Actually slipped on a banana peel?
No

25. Made a wish that came true?
I prayed for a Gameboy, a SNES and a Nintendo 64. I now have emulators.

[What would you do if…]
26. The girl/guy that you like… doesn’t like you:
I’d sue my bomoh

27. Somebody was about to steal your car?
I’d support him/her in the act of stealing a car for me

28. You wake up with a billion spiders crawling all over you and your bed?
I’d get my ass up and take a bath

29. You farted while giving a persuasive speech in class?
I’d go on

30. The person you like… farted in front of you:
I’d spank their butt

31. You had three wishes?
You know the slogan “Ask for more”

32. The government allowed you to choose one thing to be made illegal and one thing to be legalized?
I’d illegalize baby-dropping and legalize owning mountain goats

33. Britney Spears was at your front door asking for jumper cables?
I’d help her from behind the wheel and speed off in her sports car

34. You had a time machine?
I HAVE a machine that tells the time; it’s on my left arm.

[Would you rather…]
35. Find the cure for cancer or the cure for AIDS?
Cancer, since you’d get it even sitting on a mountain from birth.

36. Have the power to fly, or the power to teleport:
Teleport

37. Have the power to see the future, or the power to record your past life?
The future; we can record the past

38. Be really skinny, or really fat?
Skinny; I’d sweat less

39. Be lost in a forest, or stuck in a box?
Forest; I need oxygen

40. Be in a drama movie, or a comedy?
Comedy; unless it’s a soap opera, then I get to screw around with my fraternal twin and her ex-boyfriend’s uncle’s student’s housemate

41. Have your birthday on Christmas Day, or on February 29th?
Christmas Day; I won’t be working

42. Live in South Pole or North Pole?
The South Pole; you can go “WHAT’S UP!!!” and answer that with “THE WHOLE WORLD DUUUDE!!!”

43. Be on a plane or a train?
Plane

44. Snow board or hang glide:
Hang glide

45. Be a ninja or a pirate?
Pirates have fun. Ironically, sailors have none.

[Dream Guy/Gal]
46. Musician/Athletic:
Musician

47. Muscular/Slim:
Muscular. Sorry J.J.M. you don’t quite make it.

48. Romantic/Humorous:
Humorous

My Second Ever Bulletin Board Quiz

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Thanks to Jin for this!

Would you marry for money?
Well this job had better pay. 😉

Have you had braces?
Nope. I have nice teeth; only defect being the lower front baby teeth. They’ve never grown out.

Do you pluck your eyebrows?
Er gee, let me ask my fashion consultant if that will suit my face shape. J.J.M. is such a darling. He says NO.

Do you hurt/cut urself by accident?
Rarely; if so it’s just hangnails.

Could you live without a computer?
I guess I could live without ONE of my computers. 😛

If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?
The early 70’s, where sex, drugs and rock and roll were still booming and quite legal.

Do you drink enough water?
I think so… I have 2 1-liter-bottles on my computer table, and they go through refilling cycles every hour or so.

Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?
I don’t even wear shoes in the office. Go figure.

What is your favorite fruit?
Guava!

What is your favorite place to visit?
Bintang Walk, or any area with loads of connected places that get people lost initially.

Are you photogenic?
Yes, and narcissistic, too!

Do you dream in color or black and white?
Color!

Are you wearing fingernail polish?
Nah they just make your fingernails brittle, and they stain nostrils and guitar strings.

Why do you take surveys?
I feel the urge to reply differently.

Do you drink alcohol?
No, and I’m genetically predisposed against it.

What is the most beautiful language?
English! Eat that, all you European-language romantics!

When you are asleep do you like being kissed awake?
Sure! Except by J.J.M. of course. He’s too sloppy.

Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?
Sunsets. You know the day won’t get any hotter.

Do you want to live to be 100?
Yeah. The psychics say that sex, drugs and rock and roll will be booming and quite legal AGAIN in the 2080’s.

Is a flat stomach important to you?
Nope, but protuberance is a disturbance.

Are you tolerant of other people’s beliefs?
If their belief is intolerance, no. Heh.

When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?
On. In fact, I will not step into a cinema until they install floodlights. :/

Do you believe in magic?
No, but I believe in a thing called love!

Do you think you can draw well?
I don’t like pencils so I draw with ballpoint pens. I can draw still life and scenes in a meeting room or classroom, but I often mess up porportion because I tend to concentrate on small parts.

Do you like to watch cartoons?
Yep. Count The Simpsons and more adult humor.

At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn’t real?
When I was 18, and I heard this rapper sing, “Santa Claus ain’t real, he’s a faker yo. Aight!”

Do you write poetry?
You could call my cryptic, always-rhyming attempts poems.

Do you snore?
My colleagues don’t complain.

Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?
I sleep on my back. (I have to take precautions against J.J.M.)

Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
Rottweiler. What good is a poodle?

Are you basically a happy person?
Yes, but when people go “are you happy?” I doubt myself, hesitant to answer.

Are you tired?
Laconic, too.

Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?
WHY DO YOU ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS?!?!? WHY MUST YOU? ALL THESE SURVEYS DO IS GIVE YOU QUESTIONS? WHAT ABOUT ANSWERS??? HUH?
Oh, I’ve had my Teh Tarik already.

Have you ever met anyone off the internet?
Yes, I have met people who don’t have Internet access. Oh you mean, have I met people in real life that I met online first?

How many phones do you have in your house?
2 phones to one landline, and 3 mobile phones.

Do you get along with your parents?
I still live with them. 🙂

Fruitless

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I had Caffe Citron at Starbucks today. It tasted like a frappucino with orange seeds crushed and blended in.

Yuck.

“You’re gonna get a tree growing in your stomach!”
“Well if it gives me good posture, why not?”
“Then you’d have roots in your butt!”
“I’d imagine it coming out my feet, but yeah I can say I got my roots man.”

More stories will follow I promise when I do not get my descriptive-event-blogging-and-testimonial-writing mood dashed by parental intervention.

Self-collapsible

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Warm Paw played Keane on repeat. Why hasn’t the mellow Britrock scene all slit their wrists and died an automatic death?

The answer is simple. They are all manufactured… robots! Remember Gorillaz? If these songs were written by humans, they wouldn’t have kept a blade away to last a whole album’s worth.

You guys should’ve seen it coming with William Hung. He’s the man. He’s the engineer. He engineers. He’s not the best engineer, especially when it comes to the biomechanical facial skeletal expressions of Chris Martin and Thom Yorke. He could very well be creating Britrocking robots, perpetuating a strong sense of low self-esteem in the oodles of self-righteous “this is real muse-ic” fans. Think MUSE. Even Coldplay hinted at their robotic true self in their videos (plus their monotonous rhythm reinforces that).

The Americans are real rebels, though. They are angry! Do upon others harm; it is better than doing upon yourself harm. Which is really what I think I should be doing.

P.S. This blog entry and its style has been greatly inspired by a fellow Trekkie. You know who you are! 😉

Cucumber-drenched Mustard

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I was soaking in frequencies from a cannon when like kapow! weirder than cucumber-drenched mustard, the manager-like lady she came, and she said she spun Rubik cubes too. “What, can’t anybody figure it out in two days?”

This was cause for further investigation, and so we went down. I diagrammatically showed the processes I learnt from manuals for anything beyond the first layer (as opposed to being completely self-taught!) All she did was wave her hands in the air.

After the jam was over, we all bummed around a bit, with me wishing I bothered with the voice recorder. Hung around a bit too long we did, to the ire of those waiting for us.

I’d think it was least to my fault, but alas, his account was that a chick came and I led myself away. “But she was like saying Rubik’s Cubes and I wanted to get free tickets“… and that was like kapow Zoltan! etcetera. I swear upon all my excuses before that it was true.

I now carry a cube with me in my bag at all times.

An unconclusive theory on genealogy

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I was hanging out at a mamak in Hartamas with colleagues (after a frag session) when the subject of male-to-female ratio came up. Statistics say females currently outnumber males.

The magic of my associative brain brought back Biology lessons – the male determines the gender of the child. A guy can marry as many wives and still be cursed with only daughters (before you stamp [SEXIST] on my forehead, I say they would cost more to raise!)

At first I figured that the chromosome that says “bear plenty bosomfuls” would not be passed down, since the female’s genes would have no say in the child’s gender. This would thus increase the probability of males.

That last sentence was in contradiction to the case.

The mom would still pass down her dad’s “bear plenty bosomfuls” to the sons she might have.

And so, I have no conclusion.

Flashback to another Hartamas night, where we were introduced to this girl who, if she had a son, would name him “Q-Tip“. Yes “Q-Tip“. My colleagues asked, “would you marry her if you knew she wanted a son named Q-Tip?”

Perhaps, if I knew it was in my genes to “bear plenty bosomfuls“. I knew it was unlikely, as my mom had five brothers and one sister, while my father’s father’s lineage was MFMF (Male-female-male-female). My father-side cousins were MM, MF and M. My mother-side cousins were FM. I’m the first M in my dad’s MFM. Hence, the son-making XY factor would be strong in me.

And so I said, “no, I would not marry you“. Pity then, she was cute. 🙂

And now, for the answer to the question girls like to ask: How many children would you like to have, and in what ratio?

I like them MFM, like how it is now. Or more practically, MF. Having FFM would make for a effeminate son, like some people I know. MFM would churn a slightly tomboyish middle daughter like my sister, but I figure tomboys wouldn’t go for expensive clothes, and they would be… independent? Plus, they would kick ass and I would feel safer letting them go out.

Pillars Of Love

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Have you ever leaned against a pillar? We all take these strong, concrete-reinforced slabs for granted.

Pillars need a hug, too.

Imagine how painful it would be to not have any arms to hug people with! If it had a mouth, it would scream “hug me!!!” but alas, it is mute, and even sadder, armless.

And if you’re thinking only living things need your love and affection, well, dead people are still in the hearts of people – look at Elvis Presley.

Plus, depending on the pillar size, it may or may not be an easy hug. You know it won’t run away from you. You know you won’t crumple its bones, especially if you’re a big guy. It doesn’t fuss about how you hug it; it doesn’t try to unhook your bra straps.

Let us all take a moment to appreciate the pillars that hold up our buildings. The next time you see a pillar, give them a big, warm hug!